Sticky Words

By Karen Wingate

“I sound just like my mother!” I’ve said that. Have you? 

Our words come out in a quirky saying, an idle threat, or a certain tone of voice, and images of our mother saying those same words flash through our minds. Let me tell you: It’s scarier to hear an adult daughter speak and to think, “My daughter sounds like me!”

Speech patterns can spread through several generations of a family till it’s possible to identify the family group by the way they talk. Friends have given me puzzled looks when I’ve used a certain phrase. “Where did you pick up that saying?” they ask. Why, that’s what Grandma used to say. I didn’t realize how far family word choices could reach until an aunt and I visited a distant cousin on a trip to Ohio. I could have closed my eyes and imagined she was Great-Grandma. Same voice inflections. Phrases unique to our family. Yes, Cousin Nancy, you are one of us.

Sharing speaking patterns within families is endearing, but it can also be detrimental, even destructive. I grew up hearing my godly mother use a certain foul word. I didn’t question its inappropriateness until a community youth worker reprimanded my sister and me when we used it. I quickly learned that was not acceptable!

Our family had other speech patterns not so easily defined or challenged. I grew up in a critical, demeaning environment, slack in expressing praise or love. My husband came from a similar background, and as he and I built relationships away from our families, we realized we didn’t have to continue that behavior. We determined that our children would receive praise first from us and often hear the words “I love you” and “Good job.” We would refuse to major in the minors. 

We were motivated to change because we knew firsthand the damaging impact of words. They adhere like sticky-tack to the soul and mind of a child, leaving a mess on their self-worth and reaching gluey tentacles into future generations. Criticism, sarcasm, negativity, and personal put-downs can easily become family trademarks.

Determining to curb the behavior is a good starting point. But that’s not enough. We need God’s wisdom to know how to replace old speech patterns with talk that is honest, upbuilding, and glorifying to Him.

At first, I found it helpful to memorize verses about the tongue from Proverbs. Then, when I was tempted to use my words like a dagger, I could rely on the Holy Spirit to bring God’s words to mind. I also surrounded myself with godly women known for their gentle words and positive outlooks so I could follow their example as they imitated Christ. 

The key to using wise word choices is to imitate Jesus. If we want to influence the next generation in positive ways by how we speak, we can look at how Jesus used words to build up those around Him. 

Jesus spoke truth. Jesus’ words were honest and factual, not filled with barbs, innuendos, or half-truths. He spoke the truth in love because He wanted the best for the people who stood before Him. He didn’t dodge difficult topics but considered his audience—what they were ready to hear and the method of how they were ready to receive it.

Jesus shared love. Jesus spoke words of compassion to the downtrodden. He told the woman caught in adultery that He did not condemn her. He publicly praised Mary, the sister of Lazarus, for the beautiful gift she bestowed on Him. He spoke with encouragement to the brave woman who sought healing from Him by touching the hem of his garment. Jesus practiced what Proverbs 12:25 says: “Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad (NIV).”

Jesus expressed the eternal. He consistently taught lessons about the inner heart in relationship to God and described the kingdom of heaven through stories. He encouraged his listeners to store up treasure in heaven, seek mercy, and pursue a life of prayer. When I wanted to critique how my family performed certain tasks, I learned to ask myself, “What does this matter in the scope of eternity?” 

Words can act as carrier pigeons, transferring sinful attitudes and behaviors from one generation to the next. They also contain the power to transform lives and encourage those we love to keep moving forward toward God’s eternal purposes. Let’s make our good words stick.

Karen Wingate

Karen Wingate is an author, speaker, and Bible study leader from Southern Arizona. Visit Karen at her website www.karenwingate.com. 

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