The Words They Grow Up Inside Of - Our Daily Rhythms

b y Kathy Van Benthuysen

After 30 years in the classroom, I learned something that changed the way I see both teaching and parenting:

Children don’t learn the most from what we say. They learn from what we repeat.

I could have the best lesson planned and the clearest expectations, but what stuck with them was always what I modeled consistently. And the same is true at home.

Whether we mean to or not, we are all teaching an invisible curriculum… every single day.

For a long time, I thought of generational patterns as something obvious. The things you grow up noticing. The things you promise yourself you’ll do differently one day.

I’ve come to realize that some of the most powerful patterns we pass down are subtle ones. They live in our daily rhythms… in how we respond when we’re overwhelmed, in what we reach for when we have a quiet moment, in the way we speak to ourselves when no one else is listening.

And over time, those patterns become normal to the people watching us.

It’s not something we sit down and teach… but something our children absorb every single day.

They are learning how to speak to themselves. They are learning what it sounds like to have grace… or to be critical. They are learning, slowly and quietly, what their own inner voice might become.

And whether we realize it or not… they are learning who to become.

I remember a moment before my husband and I were married that I’ve never forgotten.

I walked into the room, and my then fiancé looked at me and said, “You look beautiful.”

And without even thinking, I responded, “You sure I don’t look fat?”

It came out so quickly. So automatically. It came out of my mouth without my brain even registering the thought. He immediately said, “No way.”

But then he paused… and what he said next has stayed with me ever since.

He said, “It bothers me when you call yourself fat or ugly or don’t see your worth. If we have kids one day, I never want them to hear their mom bashing herself.”

It hit me like lightning.

It impacted me so deeply because there was so much truth behind those words.

In that moment, I saw something I had never really seen before: The way I spoke to myself wasn’t just about me. It was something I could pass on. And I knew right then… that was not something I wanted to give to my children.

From that day forward, I made a decision. I want the words I speak to be uplifting to others—but also to myself. I have never made a derogatory comment about myself again.

No, I haven’t always felt confident. And it’s not like I never have negative thoughts. But I became aware of what those words carry. And I choose not to pass them on.

It helps that I have a husband who reminds me, daily, that I am beautiful and worthy. And I often think… how easily that could have been different.

And now, we do have children. And they grew up in a home where worth was spoken out loud, not perfectly but intentionally. And I pray that voice stays with them.

All because of a moment all those years ago that changed the way I chose to speak.

And in that moment, what could have been carried forward… was gently, intentionally, brought to an end.

We often think that breaking generational patterns requires something big.

But sometimes… it begins in the quiet places.

In the words we choose. In the voice we practice. In the decision to speak life… where something else once lived.

And because of that moment, Psalm 19:14 is one of my favorite Scriptures:

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength and my redeemer.”

Always Lord… always.

Kathy Van Benthuysen

Kathy Van Benthuysen. As a mom for 20 years and a former teacher for 30, Kathy Van Benthuysen knows firsthand the challenges of raising kids in today’s digital world. After spending over 67,000 hours working with children in the classroom, she made a life-changing decision: She left teaching early to help parents navigate the growing crisis of digital dependency.