From Arguing to Abiding: Transitioning from marital friction to shared moments of peace in God's presence

This summer, my husband, Rick, and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. When we married on June 23, 1990, we were young, naïve, and madly in love—but honestly, neither of us had a clue about what marriage really involved. Let's be real; it took me years to figure out that marriage isn’t a fairytale—it’s more like two porcupines learning to dance together without poking each other too often!

Over these decades together, I've discovered that the secret sauce to marriage isn't winning arguments or proving who's right (though, let's face it, I certainly tried!), but individually abiding in Christ. Trust me, my natural instinct was to "fix" my husband—I had excellent plans—but God patiently reminded me that Rick wasn't a DIY project. Instead, God gently called me into His quiet place of abiding presence, where the real renovations needed to take place in my own heart.

Just so you know, this was not a quick fix or an overnight project. It was a process, a very long process. Much like a pearl being formed inside an oyster. It takes four to 40 years to make a pearl; about the same amount of time it took the Israelites to walk through the desert to learn their lessons!

Early in our marriage, I struggled with selfishness, pride, controlling tendencies, and a sharp tongue—I wanted life to be a certain way or my way, and if Rick didn't align perfectly, it led to frustration and arguments. I often wondered why God wasn't changing Rick faster! But each time I retreated into moments of quiet prayer and reflection, God lovingly redirected my focus inward. He showed me areas of my own heart (and mouth) that needed transformation—pride, impatience, unrealistic expectations, and let's not forget ... smart-aleck last words that would set Rick's temper off!

Jesus taught me that marriage isn’t about conquering battles; it’s about capturing hearts—His first, then each other's. As I spent more quiet moments at Jesus' feet, I felt my pride shrinking and my compassion growing. The quieter I got with the Lord, the quieter our home became.

Turns out, I didn't have to have the last word every time (shocking, I know!). Peace replaced friction, not because we magically agreed on everything, but because my heart softened in His presence.

Learning to abide in Christ showed me that every frustration, hurt, or disappointment was an invitation to experience God’s grace more deeply. Just like a pearl forming under constant irritation (much like my husband when he leaves his shoes in the middle of the floor or wants to stay home instead of going out to dinner), our marriage has grown beautiful through life's pressures. We faced financial woes, caring for aging parents, job changes, loss of loved ones, and deep spiritual trials—yet it was always in those quiet moments with Jesus that I found the strength and patience I desperately needed.

These "Pearls of Presence" are treasures discovered only when we pause and lean into God’s promises. Once I stopped obsessing over how Rick should change and focused instead on allowing God to change me, something incredible happened—our marriage transformed from a battlefield to a sanctuary.

God never promised that marriage—or life—would be a smooth ride. Honestly, some days feel more like bumper cars than a romantic cruise. But He did promise something infinitely better: His constant, abiding presence. Each time I chose to rest in Him instead of wrestling against my circumstances (or Rick’s quirks!), my faith grew stronger, and our marriage blossomed deeper.

Today, after 35 years, our marriage isn't perfect, but it’s resilient and genuine. We are committed to one another, have been through the battle, and have come out on the other side. Abiding in Christ has made our relationship a refuge of peace, love, and deeper understanding. (Plus, we've finally figured out which battles are worth fighting—hint: very few.)

My encouragement to you, dear friend, is simple and heartfelt: come away and abide in Him, Jesus. Allow Him to gently reveal areas needing transformation in your own heart. In the quiet space of His presence, you'll discover the strength, wisdom, and humor needed to navigate marriage and life's hardest moments, transforming every struggle into precious pearls.

Whatever you're facing today, remember Jesus lovingly invites you to pause, rest, and remain in Him. Because abiding in Him doesn’t just transform marriages—it transforms hearts, one beautiful, imperfect moment at a time.

Here are practical ways women can intentionally abide in God. Incorporating these practices into daily habits fosters a deeper intimacy with God, transforming hearts and relationships.

1. Daily Quiet Time:

   • Schedule a consistent time each day to read Scripture and pray. Just 5 to 15 minutes daily.

   • Journal reflections, prayers, and insights.

2. Listening Prayer:

   • Practice silence to listen for God’s still, small voice, focusing more on listening than speaking. Write down what you hear.

3. Meditating on Scripture:

   • Choose verses to dwell upon throughout the day.

4. Serving with Joy:

   •   Be kind, smile, and serve others intentionally as an act of worship, acknowledging Christ’s love flowing through you. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

John 15:5 (NIV)"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."This emphasizes the power and necessity of abiding in Christ for fruitful relationships and personal growth.

Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."A powerful reminder about humility and prioritizing the heart transformation needed for a peaceful marriage

Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)-"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." A comforting invitation from Jesus, reminding us that true rest and strength come from spending quiet, restorative moments in His presence. 

Memorize passages to rewire your brain and thinking, to think the ways of the Lord and not the world.

Intentional Worship:

• Engage regularly in personal and corporate worship, using music, art, or nature to encounter God’s presence.

Practicing Gratitude:

• Keep a daily gratitude journal, recognizing God’s faithfulness in everyday details.

Sabbath Rest:

• Set aside intentional time each week for rest, reflection, and renewal, stepping away from obligations.

Prayer Walks:

• Regularly take quiet walks to connect with God through His creation, allowing nature to inspire conversations with Him.

Community Connection:

• Engage with a supportive, faith-filled community that encourages mutual growth and accountability.

Fasting and Reflection:

• Occasionally, practice fasting to refocus your heart on God, accompanied by deeper times of reflection and prayer.

Serving with Joy:

• Be kind, smile, and serve others intentionally as an act of worship, acknowledging Christ’s love flowing through you. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

  
  

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About the Author: Kimberly Sutton is a devoted mother of three and a faithful partner to her husband of 34 years. Their journey has spanned over three decades of shared ministry, including roles as pastors, youth mentors, church planters, and missionaries, with transformative service in Paraguay.

Graduating from Evangel University with a BS in Communications/Journalism and immersing herself in Spanish culture for a year in Costa Rica have equipped her to connect deeply with others. Her unwavering commitment to her Christian faith truly defines her purpose.