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There are times in our lives when everything seems so clear and times when we’re stumbling in the dark, looking for something, anything to hold on to. Bouncing around in the ambulance that night, watching our 8-year-old son, Julian, in pain, I had nothing to hold on to, not even the words to pray.
At the children’s hospital, hooked up to morphine, Julian finally stopped crying and drifted off to sleep. Everything was quiet and still around us when finally, the words came, but I wouldn’t exactly call them a prayer.
“WE DON’T WANT TO BE HERE!”
I shouted it, bawling into the silent night.
The doctors had no idea what was wrong with Julian. We didn’t know if he would pull through. Blood tests, scans, even a spinal tap, revealed no clues to a diagnosis. And now, as Julian lay in a drug-induced sleep, I “let God have it”.
“WE DON’T WANT TO BE HERE!”
Almost immediately, the gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit spoke into my heart. “nobody does”
Instantly humbled, I reflected on all the families in the hospital with us. My heart went out to all the kids who never got to play or make friends. I ached for all the babies who would never grow to be 8 years old like Julian.
I prayed for everyone there that night and surrendered Julian (and our other son) to God. No matter what would happen with him, God would still be our God, and I would trust in His divine plan for our entire family.
A much-needed peace descended on me that night, a peace that I needed as Julian slowly recovered. We never learned what caused the piercing headaches, crippling dizziness, and high fevers. It took him months to play the way he used to, but we were praising God, because he was here.
My faith was strengthened and my trust in Christ deepened after what I thought would be the hardest thing our family would go through.
After Julian’s illness and recovery, I thought that life would resettle into a cycle of good and bad times, darkness, and light, like the circadian rhythm of the moon and sun, marking our days, years, and seasons. I didn’t realize that our time at the children’s hospital was just the beginning of what God knew was coming for our family.
The truth is that, for some of us, there is no cycle. For some of us, wrestling in our faith is not for a moment, or a season. It’s for a lifetime.
When Julian was 15, he was diagnosed with multiple, severe mental illnesses. Doctors suspected that his undiagnosed illness that landed him in the hospital when he was 8 did some damage to his brain, but without brain scans from before he was ill, it was impossible to know for sure.
In the months following his diagnoses, he started hearing voices and having visual hallucinations. He has been gripped with paranoia and nightmarish delusions and crushed by suicidal depression.
God has been a comfort through it all, but each day, we don’t know what we will be facing, and each day, we must find strength all over again. I’ll be honest, some days it’s a triumph if I manage to get out of my pajamas.
As a mother, I have had to surrender my hopes and plans for our firstborn child and embrace that God has His own plans for Julian. I’d love to tell you it’s easy, but it’s not, especially when I don’t know what God’s plans for Julian are.
Just like I “let God have it” when Julian was 8, I “let Him have it” again when Julian was 15. This time, my walk of faith was more evident.
I said to God, through blinding tears, that I would walk His road, according to His will, but that He would have to give me some things from His Word to cling to.
The first thing He led me to was 1 Kings 17:17-24 where God raised a widow’s son from the dead. In verse 21 of this passage, Elijah cried to the LORD, “O LORD my God, let this child’s life come into him again.” (ESV) And God, in His mercy, raised the boy from the dead.
This account in Scripture is the first time that anyone was ever raised from the dead. Elijah had faith enough in God to pray for the unprecedented.
This passage gave me the courage to pray that despite the doctors’ prognosis that Julian would be schizophrenic by age 25; and despite the increased likelihood of drug abuse, homelessness, incarceration, and early death among those with Julian’s diagnoses; God could do the unprecedented in Julian’s life.
We never know what’s around the corner on this mental health journey and we never know what a day will bring, but God knows. And so, we trust Him to go before us every step of the way. I’m not saying that trusting God is always easy, but it’s proven to be the best strategy for our lives.
When Jesus died on the cross, His disciples didn’t understand that there was a resurrection coming. Trusting in Jesus will inevitably lead to something glorious, even if we must endure hardship the entire way this side of heaven.
Julian is 18 now, and his path in this life is the great unknown. Our family has been rattled by grief and bolstered by hope. God has been with us in all of it. Whatever tomorrow brings, we serve a God who can do the unprecedented. Whatever it looks like, something glorious is coming.
Tischa is a Trinidad-born writer and speaker married to Harald, a Dutchman. She is a mental health and autism mom who brings authenticity and vulnerability to all her teachings on Scripture. Her Bible study ministry brings diverse women together in fellowship and takes them deeper into God’s Word with her fresh insight and dynamic delivery.
Website: https://www.tischavandereep.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tischa.vandereep
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