When Compassion Costs: Finding Christ in the Messy Middle of Caregiving The Heart of the Journey

The heart of caregiving is compassion—especially when it’s the hardest to offer. 

It was through hard experience that I developed my PEACE Plan. It is a practical guide for caregivers. My PEACE Plan came out of trial and necessity—an entire journey with steps and tools that, in hindsight, resonate with what I see in Jesus’ compassionate care and scriptural calls for rest, boundaries, and empathy.

In the messy parts of caregiving, there are calls for opening up to a new way of caring. Compassion became my lifeline, and it can become yours, too.

A Moment of Real Compassion

As power of attorney and caregiver for an older cousin with mental health diagnoses, I’ve played so many roles and faced circumstances I never could have imagined. One particularly trying day, waiting with my cousin at a doctor’s office, drained by hours of delay, the exhaustion and frustration definitely showed.

During a very long and frustrating wait for medical transportation to pick up my cousin to transport her back to the nursing home, my cousin said, “What’s a little time here and there just to come to an appointment?” She told me what I was doing was “nothing.”  Those words stung. After all the effort I’d poured in, hearing that felt like a knife in an already weary body. I wanted my life back. But I knew I couldn’t just walk away.

Compassion: What It Is (and Isn’t)

Though my cousin’s fall at the nursing home and subsequent surgeries had occurred months earlier, I was still angry, frustrated, exhausted, and bitter. Her words fueled my resentment, but holding these feelings didn’t help either of us. I came to realize I was losing compassion, not just for her, but for myself.

Compassion, I had to learn, is not martyrdom or pity. It’s suffering with and loving through another’s pain, including our own. Even a compassionate Christian woman can feel depleted, frustrated, and lost at times.

Jesus is our example. He was patient and compassionate, but when He was spent, He withdrew to pray and rest. I had become so focused on how I felt that I lost my sense of compassion, and I’d lost it during a time when it was needed most. My emotions were worn thin. Jesus is the example to follow.

Finding Rest in Scripture

Juggling everything—from medications to hospitalizations to family drama and bureaucratic hurdles—I needed rest. In Mark 6:31, Jesus tells His disciples, “Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while” (New King James Version).

He knew that loving like Him would wear us out if we never stopped to replenish.

We’re also told in 1 Peter 3:8 to “be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble” (New International Version).

Compassion means having empathy and meeting people where they are—including ourselves.

The PEACE Plan: Compassion in Daily Practice

To help restore relationships, wellness, and energy, I developed a practice—my PEACE Plan:

P: Process FeelingsCompassion for self starts with honesty before God. Name your limits and hurts. Even Jesus wept and didn’t hide His emotions. Bottled-up feelings will lead to an explosive and hurtful outpouring of thoughts, words, and actions.

E: Establish BoundariesCompassion isn’t always saying yes. True love sometimes means saying “not now,” or stepping back. Creating a ‘no judgment’ moment is sometimes the bravest thing you can do. 

A: Access ResourcesCompassion means letting others in – asking for and accepting support. We are called to “bear one another’s burdens.”

C: Communicate EffectivelyCompassion is truth-telling, kindly. Love means speaking up when needed, but from a place of grace, not frustration.

E: Embrace Self-CareEven Christ modeled renewal and limits. Self-care, whether it’s deep breaths, prayer, stepping away, or rest, it must be faithfully honored. 

Compassion is an expression of love. Honor yourself and those you care for by practicing self-care. We can only truly give from a place of wellbeing, not depletion.

When Compassion Feels Impossible: Permission and Grace

Sometimes, even the most faithful caregiver feels compassion fatigue. When my cousin minimized my efforts, it hurt. Just as I was writing this, she called to blame me for her insufferable residency in the nursing home. This time, I was ready. I listened with compassion, and when she hung up, I prayed for her. I often reset with prayer. This is my constant prayer:  “Lord, please meet me where I am and show me what is mine to do, and help me do it.”

Compassion makes everything seem easier. It is a lens through which we see as Jesus did. With love. This loving perspective softens the blows of some of the most difficult circumstances we encounter while caring for others. This makes perfect sense, for, as God taught us through His Son, love conquers all.

God’s compassion is not a test; it’s a gift we can receive again and again. Jesus gave us permission to pause, and God’s grace is always present. Lean into Christ, especially when caregiving gets messy.

An Invitation to Surrender

You are not a lesser Christian – or a lesser mother or caregiver – when you need help or when your compassion feels thin. You are human, held by a compassionate God. His way is our way, even on our caregiving journey. 

Compassion is the beginning, not the end, of the journey. It is where God meets us—in giving, grieving, letting go, and every new beginning.

A Blessing for the Caregiver

If all you have today is a breath and a prayer, that’s enough.

May you know the compassion of Christ—for others and for yourself—on the hardest days of your caregiving journey.

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About the Author: Carol L. Stokes is an attorney turned women caregiver coach, author, and encourager for women seeking faith-fueled resilience. She guides caregivers from overwhelm to peace through her signature PEACE Plan framework. Download her free eBook, 

The Secret Blueprint to Peace for Stressed-Out Caregivers.