The Shame of Should

Sister, are you succumbing to the Shame of Should?

You might be if you wake up each morning with thoughts like:

• I should be reading my Bible more.

• I should be farther along in my Christian walk.

• I should know better.

Many of us even heard those pointed words growing up: “Shame on you,” accompanied by a wagging finger. Raised to be a good, obedient, nice girl, you re-double your efforts, especially with God, to silence the shame.

You commit to that 365-day Bible plan, say yes to every opportunity to serve or give, and pour yourself out in hopes of pushing the shoulds away.

I’ll let you in on a secret that took me years to learn: no amount of trying, striving, or doing will make the shoulds stop.

There’s only one thing that truly silences them. But first, let me share how I found my way out.

One morning, in a “straw that broke the camel’s back” moment, I told the Lord: I’m not reading the Bible again until I can do so from delight, not just duty.

Each morning, I felt like a failure as a Christian. But who could I share that with? As a leader, a respected woman of God, my list of “safe people” felt small.

Thankfully, I did share with a dear friend, and I was met with kindness, not judgment.

Soon after that raw confession, God met me in the sweetest way. One morning, He whispered a list of identity words over me. Both who I was and who I was not. I scrambled to write them down, smiled big, then promptly went back to sleep. LOL.

Later, I said, “God, if that was really You, I know I’ll find evidence of each word in Your Word.” So I began a journey—note cards in hand, heart open. I’d sit in the bathtub and ask the Holy Spirit to guide me. Where should I read to find evidence of these truths?

And wow…He came through!

Some days I heard wrong—Ephesians 7, anyone?—but I kept practicing. I learned to trust His whisper. My cards filled up with Scripture, and with every verse, the way I saw myself changed.

Chosen. Beloved. Forgiven. Redeemed. And so many more.

That shift in identity became the gateway to so much healing. I had assumed “identity in Christ” was just another Bible study I would do someday, not the core issue in my Christian walk.

Each morning, when the shoulds came, I was operating from a lie: I am a failure. I am only lovable if I perform perfectly. I’m not worthy of God’s affection unless I get this right.

No wonder I felt hopeless, discouraged, even angry. And my actions followed.

Those fruitless efforts all fell into what I now call the 3 Ps: performance, perfectionism, and people-pleasing.

Maybe you can relate.

So what’s the only sure-fire way to shut down the shame of should?

It might surprise you…

Agree with it. Yep. Agree with the accusation.

When you have a revelation of God’s grace and goodness, you can boldly say to the enemy, and to your own inner critic: “You’re right! I am weak. I can’t live this life apart from Jesus. Apart from Him, I am ungodly.

That’s why I qualify for grace. Thanks for the reminder!”

Romans 5:6 ESV says, “While we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.”

Yes, I needed grace when I was a sinner, and I still need it now as a saint. I don’t want to unknowingly move from salvation into self-effort. That path only leads to exhaustion and joylessness.

That’s what the “Foolish Galatians” did, and I no longer want to be one of them. Amen? “O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? It was before your eyes that Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified.  

Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now

being perfected by the flesh?”- Galatians 3:1-3 ESV.

The truth is, if we try to change our behavior without addressing identity, we’ll just keep spinning our wheels. But when we anchor ourselves in who God says we are, new thoughts, feelings, and behaviors flow.

Effortless change comes. And God gets the glory. Hallelujah!

So next time the enemy “shoulds” on you—or you do it to yourself—answer back joyfully:

“You’re absolutely right. My only hope is found in Jesus. Thanks for the reminder!”

Shame off you, friend!

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About the Author: Nicole Roth is a Health Restoration & Joy Coach. Nicole Roth empowers the “hard on herself” woman of God to live as a much-loved daughter: held, healed, and whole, and to restore from the damage done due to striving: over-functioning and over-serving. Wife to David of over 20 years, mom to 3 young adult daughters, an autoimmune warrior of 20 years, and former dietitian, Nicole is most at home in her kayak, out on a hiking trail with her dogs, in her hammock, or hanging out in her camper! The means Nicole uses to be a catalyst of change, healing, and growth include coaching, community, and courses, plus in-person nature adventures and retreats!