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Your family is going through a terrible time, you haven’t been at church in weeks, and no one has bothered to check in.
You volunteered to be part of that ministry team, but they said you weren’t a good fit. You’re going through a crisis; instead of love, you received a lecture.
You entrusted your struggle to a pastor or small group to pray; instead they gossiped and judged you.
For me, I think about when my pastor husband merged our church with another in hopes of bringing growth, but the opposite occurred. Friends betrayed us, making false accusations against my husband, spreading lies to those who would listen. These unfounded attacks,
slander, gossip, and unwillingness to seek reconciliation broke me.
Church is a place we anticipate the love of Christ, His grace and mercy, both given and received. However, what should be the safest place on earth can be the most dangerous. Experiencing hurt within a church community can be deeply painful, affecting not only our spiritual life but also emotional and relational well-being. Whether it stems from conflict, betrayal, or unmet
expectations, church hurt is a common experience for many and can cause us to distance ourselves from not only our church community, but also from God. Church hurt can become God hurt, and we want to abandon both.
Based on past studies of those who avoid Christian churches, one of the driving forces behind such behavior is the painful experiences endured within the local church context. In fact, one Barna study among unchurched adults shows that nearly four out of every ten non-churchgoing Americans (37%) said they avoid churches because of negative past experiences in churches or with church people.
Church is to be a city on a hill shining bright in our communities, but our light in a dark world is in danger of dimming. But what if God wants to use our suffering to shine brighter? To bring out the best in us instead of the worst?
What if God wants to use our deepest griefs to grow us closer to Him, transform us to be more like Christ, and repair our relationships with those who hurt us?
As we enter this holiday season, we celebrate the True Light that came into the world to overcome the darkness. (John 1:5) How can we let His light shine?
LEARN TO LAMENT
When I was in the middle of my deep hurt, Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:44, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. were not words I wanted to heed. In fact, I confess,
I found satisfaction in ruminating on the wrongs done to me and my husband, and entertaining thoughts of retaliation about our friends-turned- enemies. I knew the Enemy was at work stealing my joy, persuading me to payback, and pounding lies into my head. How could I possibly love my enemies? In the Message translation, Matthew 5:44 reads like this:
I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst.
How could I possibly do that? As I turned to the truth of Scripture, I could see I wasn’t alone in how I felt.
King David also experienced hurt and betrayal and the desire to retaliate. He was persecuted and falsely accused by those he’d trusted. In Psalm 35, he cried out to God: Malicious witnesses testify against me. They accuse me of crimes I know nothing about. They repay me evil for good. I am sick with despair. Yet when they were ill, I grieved for them. I denied myself by fasting for them, but my prayers returned unanswered. I was sad, as though they were my friends or family,
as if I were grieving for my own mother.
But they are glad now that I am in trouble; they gleefully join together against me. I am attacked by people I don’t even know; they slander me constantly. They mock me and call me names; they snarl at me. How long, O Lord, will you look on and do nothing? Rescue me from their fierce attacks. Protect my life from these lions! (Psalm 35:11-17 NLT)
One third of all the Psalms are laments, passionate expressions of grief or sorrow. They are prayers that lay out a troubling situation to the Lord and make a request for His help. But they are so much more. They also recognize and praise God as the only One who has power to transform us and our situation:
“Then I will thank you in front of the great assembly. I will praise you before all the people... But give great joy to those who came to my defense. Let them continually say, ‘Great is the LORD, who delights in blessing his servant with peace! ’
Then I will proclaim your justice, and I will praise you all day long.” (Psalm 35:18, 27-28 NLT)
I’m great at the complaint part. But praising God in my pain? Hardly.
I’m an expert at telling God how to handle my problem swiftly. But then I let my mind wander and camp out in the deep hurts, wondering why I feel so bad. My time in the complaint department far outweighs my time in trust, gratitude, and praises to the very God who delivers and heals.
I decided it was time to practice lament like David: I cried out to God, sharing with Him my pain and grief. I then transitioned my thoughts from my hurts to my Healer. I named truths about
who God is and how He worked in my life. I thanked Him for hearing my prayer and praised Him for what He would do to redeem this and bring glory to His name.
I made a play list of worship songs and played them on repeat during this season. I studied the Psalms and meditated on them.
Each time I was tempted to fixate on what happened, I imperfectly practiced lament, quicker to shift my thoughts from pain to praise. Quicker to dwell on the goodness of God. My depression lessened. God’s peace poured out. Practice doesn’t make perfect, but hopefully it will make permanent.
God’s ways are not ours, and often our expectations for how He will heal must be surrendered to His. When we offer up our hurts with our hallelujahs, we draw closer to God’s heart as He heals ours. In their book, The Songs of Jesus, Timothy & Kathy Keller say “Lord, believing the
promise of Your presence in my suffering takes time, and grows slowly, through stages in prayer. So I will pray until my heart rejoices in you. Amen.”
In our seasons of painful betrayal, let’s pray until our hearts rejoice in God. Until our first response to suffering is fixing our eyes on Jesus and dwelling in His presence. And in His presence, our light will shine bright.
SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?
Sometimes, it’s just not possible to stay at the church where we’ve been wounded.
Through prayer and wise counsel, God will show you. Trust and wait for Him.
Jodi Harris, Bible teacher, speaker, editor, and boy mom to 3. Jodi is in passionate pursuit of
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