Yet I Still Dare To Hope: Abiding in God’s Faithful Love: Broken Wide Open—Yet Held By Hope

So many tears. I never knew a person could cry as long or as often as I did in those first weeks after discovering my husband’s secret struggle with porn. The tears showed up without warning—in the shower, in the car, in the dark hours of the night when sleep wouldn’t come.

I was sure the pain would stop once he fixed himself. After all, it was his fault we were in this mess. I told myself my healing would come when he finally got his act together.

Then one day, our marriage counselor looked me straight in the eye and spoke words that shattered my illusions: “You are suicidally depressed and have been for a while now. You need immediate help.”

I felt the air leave my lungs. Darkness. Numbness. Shock. Anger. I’d spent so much energy blaming him—but now my brokenness stared me in the face. My husband wasn’t the only one who needed “fixing.” 

Yet, somehow, even there, God’s grace met me. “Come to Me,” Jesus whispered — not “Fix him,” but come to me with your weariness, your fears, and your shattered heart. Rest. (Matthew 11:28-30 New Living Translation) God met me where I was. 

Broken. Completely. A shell of a woman. 

A Holy Cocoon

As the world grew more gray, I met God’s chesed for the first time, though it would be years before I understood what I experienced. Jesus, our Redeemer and Savior, pulled me toward him while I wrestled to reconcile my mistaken view of God’s goodness. It was almost like being safely enclosed in a holy cocoon. I begged him to take away the pain. Jesus told me his grace was sufficient to go through it  2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV). When I accused him of abandoning me, he reminded me that he would never do that. Abandonment isn’t his character. Chesed is.  

When Trust Shatters

The Hebrew word chesed is often translated as faithful love, lovingkindness, and mercy, which are main descriptors of God's character. God's chesed reveals his redemptive nature in his very character. Chesed is covenantal love in action. When our trust is shattered by betrayal, only His covenant love can hold what’s broken.

Ann Voskamp describes chesed this way in her book, WayMaker, “. . .[c]hesed is the forever covenantal, always unconditionally, unwaveringly loyal, kind love of inseparable bonding, of divine family, of eternal attachment.” 

The world says to slap a bandage on our pain — blame someone, numb the ache, scroll it away. But God’s mercy is different. Jesus didn’t give me quick fixes. His chesed walked me through the inner healing, not around it.

God’s chesed invites us to abide in a deep relationship with him. Abiding with Christ doesn’t mean pretending the betrayal didn’t happen. It means staying close enough to let Him bind up what’s broken and breathe new life into places we thought were dead.

God’s Faithfulness Never Ends

In those quiet, tear-soaked days, Lamentations 3:21–24 (NLT) became my anthem:

“Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends; His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!’”

This is what I learned, tucked away in that hidden cocoon:

• God’s faithfulness never ends. People fail us. Circumstances crumble. But his lovingkindness—his chesed—never runs dry. God challenged me to look for his faithfulness in the pain. (see Psalm 91, Psalm 23)

• Every new day means new mercy. Some mornings, I woke up heavy with the same pain I carried to bed. But His mercy met me—gentle, patient, fresh. God reminded me to approach him boldly with my concerns. (see Hebrews 4:16) Today was his gift to me, and it was good. 

• My hope is only in God. Not in my husband changing. Not in my marriage magically fixing itself. Not in me being strong enough. But in a Savior whose love holds me steady, no matter what. (see Isaiah 41:10, John 16:33)

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Abide, Even Here

If you’re sitting in a puddle of tears today, I want you to know: your healing doesn’t depend on someone else doing the right thing. 

Jesus invites you to come away with him and abide. Right here. Even here.

Let Him wrap you in His faithful love. Whisper Psalm 23 when you can’t sleep. Rest your head on Lamentations 3 when the darkness creeps in. Breathe in John 14:27 when your heart pounds with fear.

And when you feel too broken to hold on, remember: His mercies are new this morning—for you. God has called you by name. You are precious to him. (see Isaiah 43:1-2)

Abide with Jesus in the pain. As Ann Voskamp says, “When life throws you a curve, the only way through is to curve your arms around God.” 

Maybe today feels like your own dark night of the soul — but friend, Jesus, the Light of the world, is with you in those anxiety-laden shadows. Hold onto him. 

Stay tucked in his cocoon as long as you need. Healing takes time. Mercy shows up daily. Hope is alive because Jesus is alive, and his faithful love (chesed) will never let you go.

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About the Author: Kirsten D Samuel is a Christ-centered coach who helps women rediscover peace and confidence after the shock of a spouse’s porn use. She and Dave thank God for redeeming their brokenness and giving them a brand new marriage. Featured on Focus on the Family’s broadcast. Connect at KirstenDSamuel.com or YT.